No Need To Look Back, You Are Perfect Where You Are

dont look back

It’s so tempting.  To look back I mean.  Celebrating our various victories, and replaying different parts of our lives and weighing out different outcomes.  Even licking our wounds.  I can tell you, taking inventory is important.  Paying attention to the peaks and valleys is an even more important task.  In your most inner heart, you will know which turn took you to which destination.

There are no right or wrongs.  There are no bad decisions.  This is about YOU and what your perspective is.  I can assure you that you are perfect where you are.  I know, perhaps it feels uncomfortable.  Perhaps you feel lost, perhaps your hope is running low.  THIS is the time magic happens.  Your magic.  This is the exact moment you can change your point of view, change your perspective and see all that there is to be grateful for and how much love you have to give.  I know it saves me every time.

Along my journey, I felt I had lost so much.  Friends, family, work, privacy and eventually myself.  My mom passed away shortly after Nixon was born and I didn’t have time to breathe, much less mourn the loss of my heroine…my mum.  Everything was whizzing by so quickly and those that I thought would stand with me did not, and those that I never expected to be there were. I knew exactly who was whom and what was what.  I kept replaying everything in my head…what did I do wrong, what could I have done differently, what do people think of me, what if I lose my career, and the list goes on and on.  On the other side of the swinging pendulum, my heart was at peace.  For I was moving on automatic, spiritually, emotionally and physically.  I realized I had no choice to believe and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

One particular night, when Nixon was six months old,  he had his first “high” fever.  I believe it was about 101 degrees, just low enough to NOT take him to the hospital, but just high enough to scare the shit out of me.  I gave my infant the ice bath, and the stupid infant medicine.  I got the humidifier and the ice.  I held him and sang softly.  I paced lovingly back and forth rocking him and telling him everything was going to be all-right. My mother had just passed, so there was no motherly advice I could get to soothe my aching heart and I’d been flanked by press so I was behind a gated compound in Encino.  Alone.  When Nixon finally fell asleep, I closed his bedroom door, and crumpled to the floor in inconsolable tears.  I had found a love that was greater than my heart could hold.  One that affected me more than anything in the world could ever or would ever could.  It was pure love.  I didn’t move nor sleep ’til day break and by then his fever was down.  I felt as though I had survived some unspeakable war…and won.

In that devastating moment of feeling the weight of so much loss, so much betrayal, so much isolation and so much fear, I KNEW that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  I knew all that I’d considered as losses, were truly blessing cloaked in the disguise of MY OWN fears.  I was standing in my own way, by looking back and wondering WHY.  Looking back at people I had loved and lost but alas, they were not relationships of reciprocity.  The Universe… God, had stripped everything from me, and that was just the beginning.  I would lose just about everything else in my life before the rebuild would begin.  Reciprocity became a very important ingredient of success, love and life.  Choose wisely.  Only look back through your rearview mirror…for safety reasons. Not for any other reasons.

Somehow, I knew that I had to stand firmly planted in the moment, and just make it day by day.  Each day growing stronger, each day wiping the tears to clear the way for a smile.  Each day seeing Nixon growing and thriving … the obvious choice for me was gratitude.  No matter how hard each moment was, I knew I was exactly where I should be, receiving the lessons and the wisdom that would carry me through the next day.

Today, let me be the first person to tell you how loved you are.  Let me be the first person to bring you comfort.  You are perfect right where you are.  Tomorrow is yet to come, but it will be more excellent than today.  Be present.  Be in the moment.  Be the personification of love.  Give more.  Love more.  Help more.  Take inventory and be grateful for the journey you’ve walked and those who have walked with you.  You are who you are BECAUSE of…not IN SPITE of.  That my friend is to be celebrated not rued.  I believe in you.  I am so happy to share this sliver of my life, with you, new friends and old, because you count as do I. YOU make a difference just by choosing hope and love.

After years of trying to fit the mold, I’ve accepted that my band plays a different tune … and dancing to my own tune makes me happy.  Find your heart song and celebrate!


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Marissa
    Sep 30, 2014 @ 01:28:20

    Stupid WordPress needs to just let us “like” this without having a WordPress account. Bunch of snobs.



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